A Place for Dad

While our perception of fathers and their role has changed, we sometimes undermine their vital importance in our children’s lives. Even if it’s subtle or subliminal, how we communicate the value of fathers cannot be overstated.

If you speak to enough men who’ve been estranged from their kids, it’s clear we have work to do to get this right. It’s not because of a lack of love for the children themselves. Rather, it is because of relationship breakdown or a lack of belief in their capacity to parent. Or, rightfully, because their own behaviour or life experience puts their child’s safety at risk.

In this Father’s Day article, I acknowledge the majority of men who are doing their best to parent their sons and daughters positively. And to consider how some men have ‘lost their place’ in the family and as fathers, and how that occurs.

The role of history

Throughout history, men have literally been taken away from their families. When men went to war or worked in far-off, often dangerous, places, women and children stayed behind. Many men returned home either ‘shell-shocked’ and numb or exhausted and unavailable. This persists today in the Military and Emergency Services, FIFO, and work that involves travel or demands confidentiality. Frequently, the roles are reversed.

Stepping back into a family that has ‘survived’ without him can be challenging for everyone. Catching up on lost time or including dad in the ‘swing of things’ becomes harder as children enter their teens. Far from being ‘King of the Castle’, men can feel displaced, at times unappreciated or unwelcome in their own homes … even if only from their own perspective.

Coming home to a partner who has held the reins alone and needs respite herself can make the much-longed-for reconnection difficult or disappointing. When communication breaks down, and neither partner is able to meet their needs, the father, once absent physically, may then withdraw emotionally. Taking himself ‘away’ again, he unintentionally relinquishes or surrenders his place in the family.

For his son, this models what it means to be a man disconnected from himself and those he loves. For his daughter, the father whose job it is to protect her may become distant or aloof. Leaving the place that belongs to him empty, a child may step into their father’s place, taking on a burden beyond their years! Can you see his (and their) innocence?

Just because we can raise children without fathers doesn’t mean that there aren’t consequences for us all. Or for our society when we devalue the contribution dads make. When men are excluded from their place as fathers, the effects can span generations.

When parents separate

Another obvious cause is relationship break-up. Often, the seeds are sown long before the couple can see what’s really going on or take steps to address it. If, on separating from a partner, a man refuses to protect or provide within his means – love and material goods – for his children, he might ultimately feel ‘weaker’ than one who accepts that responsibility. The key is for both parents to distinguish between their relationship with one another, which has ended in its original form, and their relationship with their children, from whom there is no separation.

Ultimately, what has happened between the parents is not the children’s business! Respecting what is in the child’s best interests, making their safety paramount, and continuing to co-parent with his ex, where possible, will foster dad’s relationship with them.

I know many women say they’ve always supported their children to stay in touch with their fathers and never said bad things about them. However, how we think and what we feel speaks much louder than the words themselves, particularly when the separation has gone badly. Without ever uttering the words, a mother – or father – can unintentionally inculcate their child with the feelings they have about their ex.

This can lead to the child agreeing with what is really being communicated. To avoid disappointing the mother, they refuse contact with the father. Or, after a while, they may take the opposite position. Then, by siding with their father, they leave the mother baffled and bereft. This occurs because the mother’s rejection of the father is also, unconsciously, a rejection of the father within the child. And it is reinforced when other trusted adults convey the same sentiments. The same can be said about the father in relation to the mother!

What can we do differently?

Remember … forbidden fruit is always sweeter! Even when you no longer love your ex, supporting your children to love both parents will cause the least harm. Let them know that you love the part of their mother or father that lives within them. Then they can relax into being themselves without fear and experience the love that all children feel for their parents but sometimes struggle to express. Above all else, practice empathy and compassion. Put yourself in the other’s shoes and be willing to extend loving-kindness to all involved.

Sadly, when fathers die, especially when they or their children are young, keeping their memory alive with photos and traditions can feel overwhelming. Facing loss means continuing to include those who have passed on, feeling the pain and maintaining that connection through our words and actions. This includes when things change and a new father figure comes into the family.

Even if they don’t – or can’t – have contact with their father, what matters is that they know who he is and that it is okay to love him. Then they can make a place in their heart for him and experience the peace that comes with it.