Responding to Pregnancy & Infant Loss with Family Constellations
Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month was an initiative of former US President Ronald Reagan in 1988 to recognise the grief that bereaved parents suffer. Helping people recover from such loss with Family Constellations is some of the most rewarding work I do. This enables them to fulfil their aspirations for a family or repair a relationship marked by the loneliness of unshared grief.
While in many countries, we are fortunate to have access to sophisticated health services, conception and birth remain a miracle. Throughout history, parents have suffered the loss of a child during pregnancy, childbirth or early childhood. And often, with it, their dream of having a family.
With increasing options available to conceive and carry a baby, as well as contraceptive alternatives, the impact of loss and the choices we make can weigh heavily on our hearts. And when mothers die during childbirth, it leaves fathers/partners and children bereft. At a time when a mother is needed most, the pain of loss is far-reaching. Potentially, both the extended family and community are affected.
As human beings, we are already more resilient than we imagine. Of necessity, we have developed many ways to cope with these losses and ‘move on’ in life. However, when those strategies mask the depth of our grief and loss, the repercussions can be counterproductive.
The Impact of Loss
This loss is not only felt in the hearts and minds of those nearest, but also within the family’s soul. Coming to accept that it may well have been ‘nature’s way’ helps us move forward and create the family that wants to be given life. However, when a child is not acknowledged, or there is no time or space for grieving by the mother, father and siblings, it can create disturbance in the family system. Fortunately, this is more a thing of the past than it is today.
Until the child is included in the family at a soul level, its absence will be felt as a form of discomfort in those who remain or come after them. Sometimes, without understanding why, the siblings will feel as if something is missing, that they do not have a right to their own lives, or that they are unable to carve out a place in the world that is uniquely their own.
Frequently, the child who is missing is a miscarried twin. The phenomenon of the missing twin is often experienced by the surviving twin throughout their lives. This can have implications for their relationship with themselves and others. And when the parents are unable to grieve together or acknowledge their own pain, the connection between them may suffer. The place meant for that child must be filled! One way we can facilitate that is through a Family Constellation.
There were times when well-meaning but misguided medical staff &/or family would ‘protect’ a mother from seeing her baby who died at birth. Sometimes mothers were drugged or left alone, at worst, in wards with newborn babies after losing their own. And rarely were they given time to hold their baby for as long as they needed or to give it a name. Or close the circle through a funeral or burial service, as we do today. Even as I write this, imagining the pain of carrying a baby to term and experiencing such inhumane treatment is indescribable!
How Family Constellations Opens a Path to Healing
The love of family is so great, and our connection to one another is more profound than our conscious awareness. Out of loyalty to the family system, we may have associated with a mother or a child in the current or previous generation(s). This then shapes our beliefs about what is possible, and we may unconsciously repeat the patterns associated with it.
In Family Constellations, we identify secrets, lies and exclusions as the primary disturbances in a family system. Although it may have been the only way we could cope, many people suffer in silence, never speaking about their loss. The child or mother never mentioned; the secrecy surrounding a loss, or the lingering grief of a father or mother. All these impact the relationship between the couple themselves and the family as a whole. When we acknowledge this through a Family Constellation, we restore the Orders of Love. Then, peace and harmony can be restored to the family system.
Unfortunately, not all couples move on to have children. Then the healing focuses on building a life as partners honouring their love and their purpose in being together.
If you or someone in your extended family has experienced any of the following, irrespective of how long ago, a Constellation along with Counselling could help to bring peace.
- Miscarriage
- Termination
- Loss through Assisted Reproductive Technology (IVF)
- Child loss at birth or during early childhood
- Death of a mother in childbirth
Other Helpful Resources
International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day is held annually on October 15, beginning with the global Wave of Light Event.
To find out more and give or receive support, please see the following sites.
October 2019
Revised November 2025
Want to know more about how I could assist you? Then contact me to book a free 20-minute chat.
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Thanks for sharing!
